10.29.2009

Class #1.

Childbirth Class #1 - For the most part this first night was introductory - here's what's going on, here's how your baby is growing, here are signs to watch out for, etc. - but it was fun for me to realize how REAL this all is now. I'm not learning this stuff to take a test, I'm learning it because we will be doing it! Like, soon. Surreal moment for me.

I would guess there were about 20 people there. All with different due dates so it was hard to compare my belly against theirs. The teacher has been doing this for 39 years and has had 5 children, so I guess she's legit. There was a powerpoint presentation and some short videos and handouts and free swag. The usual. The best part of it was probably the massaging. We were taught how to massage while in labor and the teacher expressed how important touch can be to soothe a woman in labor. Awesome. I hope that's true. I hope I'm not like people on tv (tv reference once again) who are screaming at their spouse and saying mean things. That doesn't sound pleasant. I don't want to be unpleasant.

Perhaps the funniest part of the whole night, which my retelling of the story won't be as remotely funny as it was at the time, but I'll share anyway...

We had to wear name tags - these were pre-written name tags, and I'm guessing that they were written by the teacher. Very legibly-written name tags too. So she went around the room and asked each person to say one word that they associate with childbirth. We were sitting in the back row. As she gets to my husband, Mike, she says, "Adam, what's a word you associate with childbirth?" We looked at each other and snickered. What do you mean, Adam? His name tag quite clearly says MIKE, and YOU WROTE IT! But the moment I LOST IT was when she asked the woman seated on the other side of me (also in the back row), Jacquese, to name a word she associates with childbirth. Jacquese! Are you kidding? You could read and pronounce Jacquese, but you mistook Mike for Adam? I couldn't contain myself, I was laughing and crying hysterically and Mike/Adam was laughing which only made me laugh harder. I could not stop. I had to leave the room. And this was in the first 5 minutes. I thought we were going to be asked to leave. But I eventually pulled it together.

Trust me, it was funny.

So you know how every class like this has "That Guy" or "That Girl" who annoyingly asks ridiculous questions? Well, we didn't have one of those. Thankfully. But what we did have, was the resident douchebag. We had this guy: At the beginning when she was asking for word associations, this guy says "pain", and proceeds to tell us how he has a much higher pain tolerance than his wife/girlfriend and how he would be better at childbirth than she will be. Yeah, he said that. I was all, "What am I doing sitting here next to Mike/Adam when I coulda had that guy?" Darn my luck!

It gets worse.

As we moved on to the massage portion of the class, the teacher, who was quite lovely despite her inability to correctly read a name tag, was talking about how important it is for the man to be a good partner and do their best to make the woman feel comfortable and relaxed during childbirth, to which this guy says, "Why, so the woman can turn around and screw us in the end?" It was special. This guy is a prize. I look forward to hearing what other kind things he has to say about the miracle of childbirth and his love for his woman.

But all in all, it was an enjoyable two hours. I appreciate the knowledge drop. And I enjoyed the time with my husband, Adam, learning about our baby.

10 comments:

Hilary said...

Is there something you need to tell me?? I was wondering where my husband was last night...

Sassytimes said...

OMG, that was hilarious! Your class is already waaaaaaaay better than mine was.

Our resident DB asked, "When the baby shoots out, will the Dr. let me catch it?" YES, he really said "shoots out". The instructor, who was a nurse for an extremely long time and had 5 or 6 children gave him the "you are a total DB" look. I believe her answer was along the lines of "you need to ask your Dr. about that". LOL.

I felt like snatching him up immediately. I mean, seriously...why would I want my mature, caring husband, when I could have THAT. ;)

Kristi said...

You guys are so cute. Atleast it sounds like Adam has more enthusiasm than Nate. I had to drag him to the classes. And then we dropped out after the third one.

www.thecrazydaisies.wordpress.com said...

Oh man, THAT guy sounds like a catch. If I was his significant other, I would've left him long ago, and found a replacement (aka Mom) to come w/ me to class. He's going to be a winner of a father.

I love that you left the class from laughing too hard. That makes the class all the better. We'd be great friends. :)

MD said...

And for Adam's perspective on the evening:

First there was the couple that mommy and daddy dropped off for birthing class. Then there was the amazonian couple who can change light bulbs without a stool (nice people though). Then there was the mother-daughter combo (that's Jacquese). And last but not least was the resident DB.

About that DB. Another favorite quote is when the teacher was discussing massage for both of us, how relaxing it is, how rewarding it is, and how necessary it is. His response? "That's what a good cigar is for!" Now I've partaken in my fair share of stogies, and I can assure you I did not feel very rewarded afterwards. The taste of a herd of dispeptic camels caravaning through your mouth does not = relaxing reward. Now truly I can appreciate someone trying to be funny and failing miserably, but this DB is waaaayyyy beyond that. After every wayward comment he cranes his head around with a shit-eating grin on his face looking for the laughter and approval of his fatherly "peers". I give it one more meeting before someone b-slaps him. And there is a good chance it will be me that does it.

I am disappointed in myself. Apparently I need to shape up my stinkeye before our daughter arrives. My stinkiest stinkeye couldn't even silence a douche!

And as relaxing as massages are (we swap backrubs multiple times a week, and have for years), let me tell you what isn't relaxing: Laying on a thinly carpeted concrete floor spooning my wife in the dark while recorded birds chirp in the background and some 60year old woman "soothes" me with her voice in a room full of people I don't even know.

There has to be a cliff's notes for birthing classes, right?

Iris Took said...

This is a great post - Adam's notes really brought it home for me. PS Adam - you should talk to my Dad about the stinkeye. Since he has three daughters, we thought he didn't have a face other than the stinkeye for about 20 years. He's cool now :)

Malissa said...

i am still laughing at these comments on this here blog. hysterical.
"spooning my wife as recorded birds chirp in the background" - classic!
Adam, Mike or Michelle - can you clarify the Jacques mother/daughter combo? are mom and daughter BOTH having babies or was mom there for support?
wow - you've taken quite the sliver of society and put it into one room to learn how to have a baby!
keep the stories comin'.

MD said...

Jacquese was there with her mom (Andrea). As we found out in the class, Jacquese is an only child, and this baby is Andrea's first ("and ONLY") grandchild.

I was trying to see if Jacquese was being spooned and rubbed by her mom, but there were chairs and an easel in my way.

Malissa said...

again....just shaking my head an laughing.

Wrestling Kitties said...

HAHAHA!!!

this is classic! I love it.